Topic Information

Flying - SWC Story by moonlark- in Things I'm Making and Creating

Posts: 18

1: moonlark- wrote at 8:33:58 AM 14/3/20203872460
Here's the story I wrote for the weekly. I got 3241 for my year. In this story, there is lots of technology being used, mainly ‘pods,’ which are basically the public transportation service, but in the sky. There may be a few typos, as I wrote this kind of late at night :')
It's 2118 words long.



“Not everyone loves the pods as much as you do, Elzerta.”

I glare at my sister, Marella. “I just really like the whooshing feeling when it flings you to the next stop. It makes me feel so free.”
“It makes me feel sick to my stomach,” She replies, “I don’t know why you like to travel so much. It’s weird. I only travel because of work. If it were up to me, I’d stay home all the time.”

“Well, if you hate travelling so much, why do you have a job as a Communicator? You could be a Builder, or an Artist, or a Chef, or a million other things that don’t require you to travel! I wish I could be a Communicator! But with my grades in International Studies, I’ll probably end up being a Seamstress or something dumb like that.” I snap back at her.

“Well maybe if you applied yourself more, your grades in International Studies wouldn’t be so terrible!”

That does it.

“I DO APPLY MYSELF! IT’S NOT MY FAULT MS. OLSEN BARELY TEACHES US ANYTHING!” I scream, startling everyone in the area.

Marella steps back. “Elzerta, you can always ask one of your friends for help, you know. I’m just saying, even if you don’t like your teacher, you don’t have to fail the class. I know Ms. Olsen has a different teaching style, and many people don’t like her because of it. But you can ask someone who has Mr. Pirate. They can help you study. Or I could help you study. My point is, you are failing because of you!"

That gets me thinking. Maybe it it my fault that I have a failing grade in International Studies. Maybe I should apply myself more.
“Ok.” I say, after taking a deep breath, “I’m going to go study right now. I have a test in three days. I’ll call you if I need any help.”

She looks surprised, and I give her a hug, wave goodbye, and walk towards our home.

I punch in the security code on the front gate, and wave my clearance card at the scanner. The gate opens, and I through the lawn, and into the house. My mom glances up at me in surprise.

“I thought you were with Marella for the rest of the afternoon.” She says.

“I decided to come home and study.I have an International Studies test in three days, and I want to be ready.” I sat., “I’ve been kind of confused about it, but I think that if I read it again, it should be more clear.”

My mom nods, and I walk up to my bedroom.

My schoolbag is sitting on the floor. I pull out the slim e-reader tablet with all my textbooks on it. A quick scan of my clearance card lets me into the tablet, and I open it to my International Studies textbook. We’re reading about the people on the planet Cybosly. It’s interesting, but not the way my teacher teaches it. She has us read the chapter, and then answer boring questions on it. Everyday. For the whole class. There’s no talking allowed. It’s nothing like my other classes, where peer interaction is encouraged, and there’s plenty of time to talk to people about classwork. Ms. Olsen is one of the only teachers who doesn't support that. She thinks that it’s too distracting, and that we learn better on our own. I know I don’t
The Cyboslians are very interesting. They looks almost exactly like people, but they have seven toes on each foot. And their hair can be any color but red. Not sure why, I haven’t gotten that far yet, but I think it has something to do with their customs or something. Red is forbidden. It represents war for them, and they are super peaceful. Like, they’ve never, ever been to war with anything. They always negotiate for a peaceful solution. It’s pretty cool, actually. I wish I could do that, but I usually end up screaming at someone.

I read for almost an hour, and then get to work on the questions Ms. Olsen sent home with us for practice. I get struck on the first one. I pull out my personal tablet, and click on the button that will allow me to reach my sister. The tablet buzzes twice, to let me know that it is trying to reach her.
“What do you need?” My sister’s voice and face say, as she appears on my screen.

I read off the problems I’m stuck on, and she helps me get through them. I’m amazing, but I actually understand the questions when I’m working with someone else to solve them.

Within 20 minutes, I've finished all the sample problems, and I feel really good about myself. I read ahead in my Building textbook, and finish my homework for Home Sciences (Cooking, Cleaning, etc.) Glancing out my window, I see the pods zipping around the skies, and smile. The bright metal of the city always fills me with happiness, Everything is so clean and neat and orderly. The streets are filled with bicycles, cheerfully rolling by, as people rush to work and school and all the recreational areas.

“Elzerta! Get down here, your father’s home, and it’s dinner time!” Mom calls.
I run down the stairs, and give my father a Hug. Marella won’t be home until late tonight, because she's off delivering a message. As a Communication, she travels all around the world, and to other planets, delivering messages. It’s a very important job

My dad works in the Community Care section of the city as a Teacher. He instructs the younger age groups in Building.
Dinner is the usual soup, and afterwards, I am allowed to bike to the Recreation area alone.

The pool is not crowded. That’s a little surprising, because it’s slightly warmer than usual today, so I’d expect more people to want to splash around in the water. I swim a few laps by myself, then head over to the rock wall. I love rock climbing. Athletics isn’t my strongest area in school, but it’s not my worst (International Studies is).

I’ve climbed the intermediate level wall three times when I feel my watch buzz against my wrist. Glancing at it, I see that Mom wants me to come home. Weird. There’s still 32 more minutes until sundown, when everyone needs to be home. Oh well. I start down the path, towards home.

It isn’t far to my house, especially on bike, but the whole way, I can feel the nervousness inside me growing. Why am I being called home early? What did I do? Did I even do anything? Did something happen? What’s going on?

I run inside as quickly as I can, shoving my bike hastily into its spot. “What's going on? Is everything okay?” I ask anxiously, slamming the door behind me.
My parents are sitting on the couch, gazing at a tablet, their faces cold and worried.

“Elzerta..” My mom says, “Marella was in a pod accident.” She says, “They’ve brought her to the hospital, she’ll be fine, so don’t worry.”
As if that;s possible. I instantly scream, and collapse on the floor. How could this have happened? No, no. Marella is strong. She would never get into something like this. It just… doesn’t happen to her. She’s always been out of trouble and accidents. This must ave been a mistake. Maybe they got the wrong Marella, and my sister is actually on her way home, happy and healthy and safe as can be. This just… isn't real.

The room spins, even though I’m sitting down. I feel sick and terrible, and I lie down, sprawling put across the ground. My mother sits next to me, holding and ice pack, mumbling inaudibly about shock and fainting and how I must be feeling terrible. I try to speak, but nothing I say seems to come through. Suddenly, I am lifted and carried into my room, and I drift asleep.

“Elzerta, I’ve excused you from classes today.” My mother’s voice whispers in my ear, “I told your instructors that you weren't feeling well, and they sent you your classwork on your tablet. If you’;re hungry, the morning meal was delivered an hour ago or so.”

I roll over. My mom is sitting near my bed, in her casual outfit. She must have taken work off today to stay home with me.I roll over again, and promptly fall off the bed.

“Elzerta, are you alright?” Mom asks. I sit up, groggy and confused.

“W-what happened?” I ask.

“You fainted, sort of, last night.” She replies, “We carried you to bed, and you fell asleep immediately. I’m going to visit Marella today, if you’d like to come. We can take a pod if you want.”

I shake my head at once. Mom looks surprised at my reactions, and I don’t blame her. I have always loved the pods, the incredible instrument of travel that sips us across the world in a matter of minutes., But now that I know that my sister was injured in an accident with the silvery pods, I don; want to ride one.Biking will take longer, but I’d rather go slow and safe than fast and dangerously.

“Dear, you’ve always loved the pods, and wanted to use them all the time. Remember, when you were little, you tried to take tour sister’s travel pass so you could ride in them more? Maybe we should take one.”

“Please no.” I say, “I don’t want to get hurt. I’m afraid now. I thought that they were safe. I didn’t realize- that you could get hurt in them.” I whisper.

Mom gently hugs me. “That was the first time in 12 years that we have had a pod accident in this city.” She said comfortingly, “And besides, Marella wouldn’t want you to be afraid because of something that happened to her You know how she is. She wants people to live the best life they can, not be afraid by the things that are unlikely, or the things that are unavoidable. Marella knew that someday, she might get into a pod accident. When the last one happened, she was just in the younger age group, but already knew that she wads going to be a Communicator. Her grades were the best in International Studies. She knew that it was possible that such an accident could happen again, but she wanted to help people, and she knew that by becoming a Communicator, she could help spread messages to everyone who needed to get them, and hopefully, warn them of future disasters. Every job has its risks, an Marella was always one to bravely march forward. She would want you to do the same. You’ve been working so hard in your International Studies, it would be a shame to become a Communicator who's afraid of the pods.”

I think about her words for a few minutes. Everything she said makes sense to me. I nod, and walk over to the nearest pod station, Mom following me.
It isn’t crowded. It takes only a few minutes for the pod to arrive, and we all step in, and sit down, buckling our seat belts., The operator glances around, looking at the skies, and getting ready for the launch. I glance up at my mom. She gently squeezes my hand, as if to say ‘I’m here with you. I’ll always be with you.’

After a few minutes, waiting for a clear path in the sky, the clear doors of the pod click closed, and The operator reminds us of the basic pod safety rules: stay seated, stay calm. She walks over to her operating area, and prepares to launch. I close my eyes, thinking of Marella., She never seemed to like the pods, because they made her feel sick. I couldn’t figure out why she wanted to be a Communicator if she hated travelling so much.

Then it hit me: Marella just wanted to help people and deliver to them what they needed. She cared about helping them.

Our community is divided into sections. Only one of them is the Community Care section. But really, all of them help the community. The entire goal of our town is to care for itself, the people in it, and those around it. The goal of our world is to help each other in all the ways we can.

We help each other so we can help ourselves.

The operator presses a button, and the pod leaps into the sky, soaring as high as the smile on my face.
2: moonlark- wrote at 5:23:21 AM 15/3/20203873555
Edited version (for the writing contest)
1999 words. I just took out a little bit of it at the ending.

- - -

“Not everyone loves the pods as much as you do, Elzerta.”

I glare at my sister, Marella. “I just really like the whooshing feeling when it flings you to the next stop. It makes me feel so free.”
“It makes me feel sick to my stomach,” She replies, “I don’t know why you like to travel so much. It’s weird. I only travel because of work. If it were up to me, I’d stay home all the time.”

“Well, if you hate travelling so much, why do you have a job as a Communicator? You could be a Builder, or an Artist, or a Chef, or a million other things that don’t require you to travel! I wish I could be a Communicator! But with my grades in International Studies, I’ll probably end up being a Seamstress or something dumb like that.” I snap back at her.

“Well maybe if you applied yourself more, your grades in International Studies wouldn’t be so terrible!”

That does it.

“I DO APPLY MYSELF! IT’S NOT MY FAULT MS. OLSEN BARELY TEACHES US ANYTHING!” I scream, startling everyone in the area.

Marella steps back. “Elzerta, you can always ask one of your friends for help, you know. I’m just saying, even if you don’t like your teacher, you don’t have to fail the class. I know Ms. Olsen has a different teaching style, and many people don’t like her because of it. But you can ask someone who has Mr. Pirate. They can help you study. Or I could help you study. My point is, you are failing because of you!"

That gets me thinking. Maybe it it my fault that I have a failing grade in International Studies. Maybe I should apply myself more.
“Ok.” I say, after taking a deep breath, “I’m going to go study right now. I have a test in three days. I’ll call you if I need any help.”

She looks surprised, and I give her a hug, wave goodbye, and walk towards our home.

I punch in the security code on the front gate, and wave my clearance card at the scanner. The gate opens, and I through the lawn, and into the house. My mom glances up at me in surprise.

“I thought you were with Marella for the rest of the afternoon.” She says.

“I decided to come home and study.I have an International Studies test in three days, and I want to be ready.” I sat., “I’ve been kind of confused about it, but I think that if I read it again, it should be more clear.”

My mom nods, and I walk up to my bedroom.

My schoolbag is sitting on the floor. I pull out the slim e-reader tablet with all my textbooks on it. A quick scan of my clearance card lets me into the tablet, and I open it to my International Studies textbook. We’re reading about the people on the planet Cybosly. It’s interesting, but not the way my teacher teaches it. She has us read the chapter, and then answer boring questions on it. Everyday. For the whole class. There’s no talking allowed. It’s nothing like my other classes, where peer interaction is encouraged, and there’s plenty of time to talk to people about classwork. Ms. Olsen is one of the only teachers who doesn't support that. She thinks that it’s too distracting, and that we learn better on our own. I know I don’t
The Cyboslians are very interesting. They looks almost exactly like people, but they have seven toes on each foot. And their hair can be any color but red. Not sure why, I haven’t gotten that far yet, but I think it has something to do with their customs or something. Red is forbidden. It represents war for them, and they are super peaceful. Like, they’ve never, ever been to war with anything. They always negotiate for a peaceful solution. It’s pretty cool, actually. I wish I could do that, but I usually end up screaming at someone.

I read for almost an hour, and then get to work on the questions Ms. Olsen sent home with us for practice. I get struck on the first one. I pull out my personal tablet, and click on the button that will allow me to reach my sister. The tablet buzzes twice, to let me know that it is trying to reach her.
“What do you need?” My sister’s voice and face say, as she appears on my screen.

I read off the problems I’m stuck on, and she helps me get through them. I’m amazing, but I actually understand the questions when I’m working with someone else to solve them.

Within 20 minutes, I've finished all the sample problems, and I feel really good about myself. I read ahead in my Building textbook, and finish my homework for Home Sciences (Cooking, Cleaning, etc.) Glancing out my window, I see the pods zipping around the skies, and smile. The bright metal of the city always fills me with happiness, Everything is so clean and neat and orderly. The streets are filled with bicycles, cheerfully rolling by, as people rush to work and school and all the recreational areas.

“Elzerta! Get down here, your father’s home, and it’s dinner time!” Mom calls.
I run down the stairs, and give my father a Hug. Marella won’t be home until late tonight, because she's off delivering a message. As a Communication, she travels all around the world, and to other planets, delivering messages. It’s a very important job

My dad works in the Community Care section of the city as a Teacher. He instructs the younger age groups in Building.
Dinner is the usual soup, and afterwards, I am allowed to bike to the Recreation area alone.

The pool is not crowded. That’s a little surprising, because it’s slightly warmer than usual today, so I’d expect more people to want to splash around in the water. I swim a few laps by myself, then head over to the rock wall. I love rock climbing. Athletics isn’t my strongest area in school, but it’s not my worst (International Studies is).

I’ve climbed the intermediate level wall three times when I feel my watch buzz against my wrist. Glancing at it, I see that Mom wants me to come home. Weird. There’s still 32 more minutes until sundown, when everyone needs to be home. Oh well. I start down the path, towards home.

It isn’t far to my house, especially on bike, but the whole way, I can feel the nervousness inside me growing. Why am I being called home early? What did I do? Did I even do anything? Did something happen? What’s going on?

I run inside as quickly as I can, shoving my bike hastily into its spot. “What's going on? Is everything okay?” I ask anxiously, slamming the door behind me.
My parents are sitting on the couch, gazing at a tablet, their faces cold and worried.

“Elzerta..” My mom says, “Marella was in a pod accident.” She says, “They’ve brought her to the hospital, she’ll be fine, so don’t worry.”
As if that;s possible. I instantly scream, and collapse on the floor. How could this have happened? No, no. Marella is strong. She would never get into something like this. It just… doesn’t happen to her. She’s always been out of trouble and accidents. This must ave been a mistake. Maybe they got the wrong Marella, and my sister is actually on her way home, happy and healthy and safe as can be. This just… isn't real.

The room spins, even though I’m sitting down. I feel sick and terrible, and I lie down, sprawling put across the ground. My mother sits next to me, holding and ice pack, mumbling inaudibly about shock and fainting and how I must be feeling terrible. I try to speak, but nothing I say seems to come through. Suddenly, I am lifted and carried into my room, and I drift asleep.

“Elzerta, I’ve excused you from classes today.” My mother’s voice whispers in my ear, “I told your instructors that you weren't feeling well, and they sent you your classwork on your tablet. If you’re hungry, the morning meal was delivered an hour ago or so.”

I roll over. My mom is sitting near my bed, in her casual outfit. She must have taken work off today to stay home with me.I roll over again, and promptly fall off the bed.

“Elzerta, are you alright?” Mom asks. I sit up, groggy and confused.

“W-what happened?” I ask.

“You fainted, sort of, last night.” She replies, “We carried you to bed, and you fell asleep immediately. I’m going to visit Marella today, if you’d like to come. We can take a pod if you want.”

I shake my head at once. Mom looks surprised at my reactions, and I don’t blame her. I have always loved the pods, the incredible instrument of travel that sips us across the world in a matter of minutes., But now that I know that my sister was injured in an accident with the silvery pods, I don; want to ride one.Biking will take longer, but I’d rather go slow and safe than fast and dangerously.

“Dear, you’ve always loved the pods, and wanted to use them all the time. Remember, when you were little, you tried to take tour sister’s travel pass so you could ride in them more? Maybe we should take one.”

“Please no.” I say, “I don’t want to get hurt. I’m afraid now. I thought that they were safe. I didn’t realize- that you could get hurt in them.” I whisper.

Mom gently hugs me. “That was the first time in 12 years that we have had a pod accident in this city.” She said comfortingly, “And besides, Marella wouldn’t want you to be afraid because of something that happened to her You know how she is. She wants people to live the best life they can, not be afraid by the things that are unlikely, or the things that are unavoidable. Marella knew that someday, she might get into a pod accident. When the last one happened, she was just in the younger age group, but already knew that she wads going to be a Communicator. Her grades were the best in International Studies. She knew that it was possible that such an accident could happen again, but she wanted to help people, and she knew that by becoming a Communicator, she could help spread messages to everyone who needed to get them, and hopefully, warn them of future disasters. Every job has its risks, an Marella was always one to bravely march forward. She would want you to do the same. You’ve been working so hard in your International Studies, it would be a shame to become a Communicator who's afraid of the pods.”

I think about her words for a few minutes. Everything she said makes sense to me. I nod, and walk over to the nearest pod station, Mom following me.
It isn’t crowded. It takes only a few minutes for the pod to arrive, and we all step in, and sit down, buckling our seat belts., The operator glances around, looking at the skies, and getting ready for the launch. I glance up at my mom. She gently squeezes my hand, as if to say ‘I’m here with you. I’ll always be with you.’

After a few minutes, waiting for a clear path in the sky, the clear doors of the pod click closed, and The operator reminds us of the basic pod safety rules: stay seated, stay calm. She walks over to her operating area, and prepares to launch. I close my eyes, ready for the launch.

The operator presses a button, and the pod leaps into the sky, soaring as high as the smile on my face.
3: diferita wrote at 7:07:18 AM 15/3/20203873619
Amaizing!I love it! [
4: moonlark- wrote at 7:08:13 AM 15/3/20203873621

diferita wrote:

Amaizing!I love it! [
Thank you!
5: AutumnLunarMoon wrote at 12:40:19 PM 15/3/20203873844
Good story! You're lucky you got something in the future; I got something in the past and I had to do r e s e a r c h
6: -starbright- wrote at 7:45:45 AM 16/3/20203874853
wow, this is amazing!! you have a lot of talent! <33
7: moonlark- wrote at 7:48:29 AM 16/3/20203874855

-starbright- wrote:

wow, this is amazing!! you have a lot of talent! <33
thank you!
8: Judy27Moody wrote at 9:17:48 AM 16/3/20203874919
This is awesome, Miri!!
9: moonlark- wrote at 7:33:18 PM 16/3/20203875527

Judy27Moody wrote:

This is awesome, Miri!!
Thanks!
10: BakersLove wrote at 3:20:58 AM 26/3/20203889761
Aha! Found it! Ohhh I don't think I would have had the imagination to create something in the future. I love it! <333
11: moonlark- wrote at 4:17:29 AM 26/3/20203889831

BakersLove wrote:

Aha! Found it! Ohhh I don't think I would have had the imagination to create something in the future. I love it! <333
Thank you!
12: MillionLonelyStars wrote at 3:53:24 PM 26/3/20203890510
This is amazing! Here are a few things I noticed, though:

moonlark- wrote:

The gate opens, and I through the lawn, and into the house.
Is this supposed to be ‘The gate opens, and I ’walk' through the lawn, and into the house.'?

moonkark- wrote:

“I decided to come home and study.I have an International Studies test in three days, and I want to be ready.” I sat., “I’ve been kind of confused about it, but I think that if I read it again, it should be more clear.”
Is the ‘I sat.,’ in the middle of these two quotations supposed to just have a comma?

moonlark- wrote:

Everyday. For the whole class.
Shouldn't the ‘Everyday’ be separated into two words, ‘Every’ and ‘day’ so it would look like this?: ‘Every day. For the whole class.’

moonlark- wrote:

I know I don’t
The Cyboslians are very interesting.
There should be a period after ‘don’t', and another line before the next paragraph begins(?)

moonlark- wrote:

I get struck on the first one.
I assume you mean ‘stuck’ rather than ‘struck’.

moonlark- wrote:

I run down the stairs, and give my father a Hug.
I'm pretty sure ‘Hug’ shouldn't be capitalized.

moonlark- wrote:

As a Communication, she travels all around the world, and to other planets, delivering messages. It’s a very important job
You mean ‘Communicator’, right? There should also be a period at the end of this sentence.

moonlark- wrote:

Dinner is the usual soup, and afterwards, I am allowed to bike to the Recreation area alone.
There looks to be two spaces between ‘soup,’ and ‘and’. I'm also not sure if Recreation should be capitalized, as it wasn't earlier.

moonlark- wrote:

Oh well. I start down the path, towards home.
I don't think there should be a comma after path. And for future reference, there isn't an ‘s’ in ‘toward’.

moonlark- wrote:

“They’ve brought her to the hospital, she’ll be fine, so don’t worry.”
Maybe replace the first comma with a period, and capitalize the ‘s’ in ‘she’ll'? That has a better ring to the sentence for me.

moonlark- wrote:

“They’ve brought her to the hospital, she’ll be fine, so don’t worry.”
As if that;s possible.
There's an extra space between the end of the quotation, and ‘As’, that you might want to fix. Also, there's a semicolon instead of an apostrophe in the contraction ‘that’s'.

moonlark- wrote:

This must ave been a mistake.
I assume ‘ave’ should be ‘have’.

moonlark- wrote:

I feel sick and terrible, and I lie down, sprawling put across the ground. My mother sits next to me, holding and ice pack, mumbling inaudibly about shock and fainting and how I must be feeling terrible.
Should ‘put’ be ‘out’? Same thing with ‘and’ in the next sentence being ‘an’.

moonlark- wrote:

“Elzerta, I’ve excused you from classes today.” My mother’s voice whispers in my ear, “I told your instructors that you weren't feeling well, and they sent you your classwork on your tablet. If you’re hungry, the morning meal was delivered an hour ago or so.”
Shouldn't the period at the end of the first quotation be a comma, because her mother speaks more after?

moonlark- wrote:

“You fainted, sort of, last night.” She replies, “We carried you to bed, and you fell asleep immediately. I’m going to visit Marella today, if you’d like to come. We can take a pod if you want.”
Same as above ^^

moonlark- wrote:

Mom looks surprised at my reactions, and I don’t blame her. I have always loved the pods, the incredible instrument of travel that sips us across the world in a matter of minutes., But now that I know that my sister was injured in an accident with the silvery pods, I don; want to ride one.Biking will take longer, but I’d rather go slow and safe than fast and dangerously.
I don't think ‘reaction’ should be plural. I'm also confused about the placement of ‘sips’ in the next sentence. There's a period and then a comma, which doesn't make sense, and the capitalization of ‘but’ in the next sentence depends on that. Later, ‘don;’ should be ‘don’t', I think, and then you need a comma after ‘one’.

moonlark- wrote:

Remember, when you were little, you tried to take tour sister’s travel pass so you could ride in them more?
Shouldn't ‘tour’ be ‘your’?

moonlark- wrote:

“That was the first time in 12 years that we have had a pod accident in this city.” She said comfortingly, “And besides, Marella wouldn’t want you to be afraid because of something that happened to her You know how she is.
Should a comma end the first sentence because there's more speaking after? And I think there should be a period before the capitalized ‘You’.

moonlark- wrote:

Every job has its risks, an Marella was always one to bravely march forward.
I believe ‘an’ should be ‘and’.

moonlark- wrote:

It takes only a few minutes for the pod to arrive, and we all step in, and sit down, buckling our seat belts.,
You could split this into two sentences: ‘It takes only a few minutes for the pod to arrive. We all step in and sit down, buckling our seatbelts.’ To avoid the double ‘and’. I also don't think that comma at the end should be there.

moonlark- wrote:

‘I’m here with you. I’ll always be with you.’
Should the ‘with’s be replaced by ‘for’s?

moonlark- wrote:

After a few minutes, waiting for a clear path in the sky, the clear doors of the pod click closed, and The operator reminds us of the basic pod safety rules: stay seated, stay calm.
You say ‘clear’ twice. Could you replace the ‘clear’ regarding the doors with something else? Last, ‘The’ shouldn't be capitalized.

Other than all of that mess, this is basically amazing! <3 Keep on writing (and editing)!
13: moonlark- wrote at 3:56:49 PM 26/3/20203890513

MillionLonelyStars wrote:

snip
Thanks for editing that for me!
I wrote this reeeaaaallllyyy late at night, and wrote at least half of it with the same color text as the background because I tend to over-edit.
Now I'm annoyed at Google Docs for not catching everything xD
I'll go back and fix everything.
Thanks again, you're the greatest! UwU
14: MillionLonelyStars wrote at 4:28:38 PM 26/3/20203890575

moonlark- wrote:

MillionLonelyStars wrote:

snip
Thanks for editing that for me!
I wrote this reeeaaaallllyyy late at night, and wrote at least half of it with the same color text as the background because I tend to over-edit.
Now I'm annoyed at Google Docs for not catching everything xD
I'll go back and fix everything.
Thanks again, you're the greatest! UwU
Oh, you're so sweet! I had nothing to do for an hour and was this, began to read, and realized that there was no ‘walk’ between ‘I’ and ‘through’, so I continued to proofread and my internal editor-perfectionist decided that she was going to make a stand. And then that giant thing happened ^^. So, you know, thanks for making mistakes so I would have something to do!
15: moonlark- wrote at 4:37:13 PM 26/3/20203890590

MillionLonelyStars wrote:

moonlark- wrote:

MillionLonelyStars wrote:

snip
Thanks for editing that for me!
I wrote this reeeaaaallllyyy late at night, and wrote at least half of it with the same color text as the background because I tend to over-edit.
Now I'm annoyed at Google Docs for not catching everything xD
I'll go back and fix everything.
Thanks again, you're the greatest! UwU
Oh, you're so sweet! I had nothing to do for an hour and was this, began to read, and realized that there was no ‘walk’ between ‘I’ and ‘through’, so I continued to proofread and my internal editor-perfectionist decided that she was going to make a stand. And then that giant thing happened ^^. So, you know, thanks for making mistakes so I would have something to do!
You're welcome xD!
16: AutumnLunarMoon wrote at 12:43:20 PM 28/3/20203893404

moonlark- wrote:

“I thought you were with Marella for the rest of the afternoon.” She says.

I just wanted to say a few things so you can note this. When you have dialogue, if the tag like ‘he says,’ ‘she says,’ etc. is a proper noun like a name or the word ‘I’, then you capitalize that, but in ‘he says’ or ‘she says’ or ‘they say’, that's always lowercase after the dialogue. Does that make sense? You might've already known that, if you did, sorry. But I noticed it present throughout the whole writing.

And I just saw in this sentence that you need to change the dialogue period to a comma.
17: teecee3 wrote at 11:21:11 AM 6/5/20203988642
Wow, this story is really good! I love the characters so far and the whole idea of the world they live in, it's amazing <3
18: moonlark- wrote at 11:22:41 AM 6/5/20203988645

teecee3 wrote:

Wow, this story is really good! I love the characters so far and the whole idea of the world they live in, it's amazing <3
thank you!