Darkness. There’s nothing here. A cold sensation run through me. What am I doing here?
As I start to walk forwards, the tips of my fingers run cold. I can’t think. My mind’s gone blank. Only questions race though me.
I’ve been walking for a while. I don’t know where I’m going, or what I am doing. About five minutes later my foot slips. Maybe it’s a cliff? But I don’t know.
Why do I exist? I place my foot farther forward. There’s nothing there.
What is the meaning of life, I ask myself as I lean forward.
What do I believe in? I can feel myself starting to fall.
Do I believe in God, or a force of some kind? I take a deep breath. There’s no going back.
“It’s a leap of faith.” That’s what my mother always used to say. I held my breath.
‘I am worth nothing’ was my final thought before I stepped off into darkness.
I wake up to shouting, but I don’t bother to listen, so I try to go back to sleep. The words don’t register in my mind. I fall back asleep, but only for a split second.
All I feel is shaking, everything is being thrown back and forth. It’s painful and unorganized. Everyone is shouting and running around. There more shouts and I don’t understand.
My first impulse is to hide but there’s nowhere to go. My second instinct is to run, but I am strapped to my seat. A realization sweeps over me. I’m on a plane. But why is there shouting?
This isn’t right. The seat belt sign is on, but I don’t care. I get up and quickly grab on the handle of the nearest seat, so I don’t go tumbling down the aisle. Suddenly we drop.
It’s a deadly drop. Screams and shouts rise up from behind me. Crying of children hits my ears. What is happening?
I race to the front of the plane only to find no one. There’s no pilot. A shout from the radio asks if there’s anyone there. It’s frantic. A flashback of when I was eight overflows me.
‘Johnny run’ my mother tells me. ‘Get on the inflatable boat and don’t wait for me, I’ll find you when all this is over’. She pushes me away and turns back to help other elderly passengers on the inflatable that came from the sinking plane. As I turn around, she was lost in the crowd of people.
Shouting her name, I rush to frantically find her. The flow of people forced me to go into the boat and stay there. I had nowhere to run, nowhere to go, and my tiny voice had been lost in the sea of cries.
Rocking back and forth on the boat, my eyes slowly start to close, trying to block off the shouts. Suddenly, I feel someone hit me hard from jumping from the plane into the boat. Everything goes silent and black.
When I finally open my eyes, I had lost everything, my mother was nowhere to be found, years ago, my father got drunk and committed suicide, I had no loving relatives who would take me in, and I could do nothing to get what I loved most back.
Gasping for breath, I came back to reality and shook away the thought.
‘There are people on this plane that you and only you can save’ I tell myself. This clears my head, but my mind does not function correctly. The radio cracks and I put on the headset.
“I’m here, I know I’m not the pilot, but I have experience.” I say in the headset. I could feel they were a suspicious, but I was their only hope. I had tried to learn how to fly to prove that whenever I flew, no one would get hurt, and no one would ever die, but I would always have a flashback right before I landed, and after three months, I gave up and switched to writing. No one ever liked my writing, or even read my writing.
The people on the other side of the headset finally give me instructions on how to land the plane safely. I thought about my mother. Don’t let any of them die like your mother; if there must be someone who dies, it’s you. Maybe I’ll be able to save people who will have accomplished something. And if I do this and save everyone, I will have done something useful. I won’t be worth nothing… or maybe I still will be. Most likely, I’d be worth nothing, and for the rest of my useless life, I will be worth nothing.
My hands grip the control steadily. I take a deep breath. ‘It’s a leap of faith’ I tell myself again. Whenever I flew, landing was my weakness. Every time would be a flashback, a flashback from that very day I went from having everything, to having nothing.
I got to the runway. Deep breath… in… and out. ‘You can do this,’ I tell myself. Do it for your mother, your flight instructor, who believed in you, but you gave it up, and everyone that died on that plane crash when you were eight. Save those that couldn’t be saved on that flight.
I push the lever down slowly and pull back on the trigger. I imagine my mother standing by my side encouraging me. And instead of the people on the radio telling me what to do, it’s my mother’s voice in my head.
Five seconds before I hit the ground. I press the button and my eyes are set I the pathway. If you make this….
I hit the runway hard. A bit too fast, but we made it.
My heartbeat increased sharply to an unhealthy rate. I did it.
I hear shouting from behind me, but not shouts of joy. The passengers were angry. They’re mad at the pilot… and right now that looks like me.
Before I can even turn around, my head slams into the counsel. Everything turns black.
My last thought right before I died? ‘Was it worth is saving these people who just killed you or would it be better if you fell off a cliff?’ My answer was ‘Yes, you did something that is worth living for.’